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This morning I woke up around 11:30 and...something was wrong. I couldn't place it. It was just...wrong.  So wrong in fact, I was physically incapable of getting out of bed until 2pm.  I figured "just another depression phase, ignore it and it'll pass quicker."

But this time was different. It didn't pass. Even when I was watching the silliest videos on YouTube (on my PS3) while I tried distracting myself by working on my website. It was...lingering.

I decided to play a videogame.  Oblivion sounded nice.  I love Skyrim, but neglected Oblivion, so it seemed a better time than never.

The feeling never fully shook, but I chose to ignore it.

My mom called me around 6:30.  At first it was small talk, then she started acting weird.  Distracted with my game, I thought nothing of it.

"There's something I need to tell you, but... I don't think I want to."

I answered back a bit silly and sarcastically, figuring I probably missed out on something fun like I always do. I made a few guesses, mom kept saying no but avoided the truth.

Finally... She asked me if I wanted to stop playing my game for a minute.  Thinking nothing of it I said "I'm just picking stuff up, I'm paying attention, I promise."

More hesitation.

"What is it, Mom?"

.......

"Hamada died today."

There was a brief moment of silence as dread overtook me.

Then everything fell apart.

........

My brother, who had been taking care of Hamada and playing with him almost all the time now came running in from the bus after school to get Hamada and take him outside to enjoy the warm weather.  He'd been eating well, acting well, and seemingly flourishing lately.

He found Hamada pale, cold and..."sleeping".

No response when he called his name, or when he picked him up.  He was gone.  Just a few hours ago he had been fine, but...he was gone.

I left Hamada home (regrettably) because I had no choice when I moved to college. I put off school fearing this would happen to him or one of my other pets. Lately, as some of you know, I began fighting for a way to bring him up to live with me in my college apartment, but the school's housing rep said "He's just a stupid lizard" and "you'll get over it".

I can't wait to walk up to her tomorrow, completely dead in the eyes, and watch her face drain of color when I tell her she condemned my poor baby to death.

He wasn't sick. He was sad. After I left home he just wasn't the same. When I came home to visit on breaks he had to sleep in bed with me if I wanted to sleep at all because even if he was with me all day he wouldn't let me sleep at night unless he was with me.

I'm responsible for this, at least partially. He missed me terribly and I knew it, and I didn't try harder to help him.  The depression took him over as it often does me, and eventually, he just let go.

My baby, Hamada, was only a year old. For a bearded dragon, he was barely alive long enough to become an adult. He had 10 years ahead of him at least.

Art institute, I hope you're happy. Your no pet policy made me choose between my beloved scales baby and a future. And I faced the possibilities of being removed from the school if I had a high level petition.

As if it wasn't enough, when I finally calmed down, zombified and returned to my room to type this my computer fucked up on me. It died. Not permanently, it was another update that shut me off while I was trying to do something.

I glowered at it a moment...rage building inside. And then I threw it. And broke it.

I need it.  It has everything...but for now...I have bigger problems.  I lost someone dear to me today that I will tragically mourn forever. Just like my dog that passed years ago, it'll be a permanent scar.

If you don't understand I'm sorry.  My pets are my family.  My children.  I never expect to have any of my own, but I don't need them.  I just need the ones with scales and fur... Although it would be nice if their lives lasted longer.... At least as long as they should.

I'm sorry I can't add thumbnails of Hamada for you to see, but if you visit any of my social media sites (besides YouTube) you can see one of my most recent photos of him taken by my mom or brother when he was getting a bath.

Thank you for reading.

And wish me luck that things finally get better. I don't think I can take much more.

Original journal CSS by ^Thiefoworld. Editing and artwork by *BloodLust-Carman.